not pregnantWhat is N and F in “ infertility ”?

Negative and Fat come to mind as in “big fat negative” when talking about taking pregnancy test after pregnancy test.

How many negative pregnancy tests have you had to endure?  Three, Five, Ten, over 20?  Or have you not even gotten to that point yet.

Over the years I think I personally have taken over 200 home pregnancy tests and had countless vials of blood draw only to be told my quantitative hCG  was less than 5 which means negative for pregnancy. I would then either have a good cry, down an entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s, go to bed for a day and be up and ready the next day to create a whole new plan of action – all the while waiting for my period to start.

The negativity that would seep into my mind after a while was quick, fast and hard.  It could take me to the deepest darkest recesses in my mind that I didn’t know existed.  I would bargain with God, Allah, Jehovah, Mother Nature, Buddha, my RE, my boss, the garbage man – if I thought it would place a child in my arms.

But that didn’t happen for a really long time.

And fat – oh my stars.  Fertility medication can take the hottest body and turn it into the Pillsbury dough boy in 10 short weeks.  Being a shorty – almost 5 foot 4, my best fighting weight for my body was between 120 and 130 pounds.  After I began my first round of injectable medication my weight skyrocketed to 145 lbs.  I was flabbergasted, horrified, and embarrassed.  No matter what I did to lose weight it wasn’t coming off.

Over the years I would gain and lose 50-60 pounds over and over again never ever achieving my original weight of that 12-130 range that I felt most comfortable at.

So I am commiserating with you – dear reader.  Yes, I get it.  I understand the shots, the pills, the doctor visits, and the regime we experience all in the name of having a baby.